Amor Fati — Be in love with fate
What if nothing happens to us, but for us?
Not the car that splashed you and ruined your clothes, not the friend who snapped at you, not the accident that made you late for that job interview. None of it happened against you. It all happened for you.
If you believed that everything in life happens for you, how would that change the way you react, and live your life every day?
Think about it: if the break up happens for you, not to you, how does that shift your perspective? How can you learn from it?
Let’s dig a little deeper.
“Anyone whose goal is ‘something higher’ must expect someday to suffer vertigo. What is vertigo? Fear of falling? No, Vertigo is something other than fear of falling. It is the voice of the emptiness below us which tempts and lures us, it is the desire to fall, against which, terrified, we defend ourselves.”
― Milan Kundera — “The Unbearable Lightness of Being”
Your Setbacks Aren’t that Unique
We can all agree that everyone has setbacks. Everyone faces challenges. Life throws unexpected circumstances our way, making things harder than we think they ought to be.
Everyone experiences traumatic events of some kind. Sure, there’s a difference between traumas (with a small “t”) and Traumas (with a capital “T”), but all of them shape who we are every single day. And yet, if we all go through hardships, why do some people seem to handle life’s curveballs better than others?
Because it is not what happens to you that defines you, it’s what you do with what happens.
See the difference?
A situation is never either good or bad until we give it meaning. The situation simply is.
The meaning we give to what happens to us determines our experience of the event. If you believe something happens to you, you’ll feel victimized, wronged, unlucky, singled out by fate. But if you believe it happens for you, then it becomes something to learn from, something that helps you grow.
Because if you believe everything happens to you, you see every challenge as unfair and unwelcomed, something to complain about.
But if you believe everything happens for you, then every setback is an opportunity, a lesson designed to make you stronger.
The Stoics had a phrase for this: Amor Fati, be in love with fate. Love everything that happens to you, or rather, for you.
You can’t control many of life’s events, but you can control how you react to them, and the meaning you give them.
Who Knows What’s Good and What’s Bad?
The Buddhist story of the old farmer and his horse is a perfect way to explain how events are neutral until we give them meaning.
Once upon a time, a farmer had a stallion that helped with the work in the fields. The horse was part of the family, contributing significantly to the farmer family’s well-being.
One day, the horse ran away.
The neighbor, witnessing the scene, rushed over and said: “Oh no, what terrible luck! Your horse ran away!”
The older farmer replied: “It may seems so. But tell me, who knows what’s good and what’s bad?”
A few days later, the horse returned, bringing with him a few wild mares. Having heard the news, the neighbor told him: “Your horse has returned with even more horses! What great luck!”
The farmer replied again, “Can we be sure? Who knows what’s good and what’s bad?”
The mares needed to be broke-in, and that was the farmer’s son duty. While breaking in the wildest of the mares, the farmer’s son was thrown from the horse and broke his leg. The neighbor came to visit and said, “What terrible misfortune! Your son broke his leg!”
The farmer calmly replied, “Who knows what’s good and what’s bad?”
A few days later, a war broke out between their country and a neighboring one. All able-bodied young men were recruited for the army. The farmer, too old, and the farmer’s son, still recovering from his broken leg, were spared.
The neighbor, now marching away with the army, thought to himself: “Who knows what’s good and what’s bad?”
Two Ways of Viewing the World
What I love about this parable is that it shows us the two ways we can view the world.
The first perspective allows us to keep an open mind. We can accept things as they happen, without immediately judging them as good or bad. We simply see events as they are and work with them as they unfold.
The second scenario is certainly more familiar to us all. The moment something happens, we give it meaning. We decide instantly if a situation is a good thing or a bad thing for us. And as soon as we do this, we begin suffering: when we label an event, we start to have expectations about what needs to happen next.
Once we’ve decided an event is bad, we start to experience frustration, disappointment, or sadness, and mind you: not because of the event itself, but because it didn’t meet our expectations. We impose our judgments on reality, instead of letting reality simply… be.
The Power of Letting Things Be
Sadness and frustration often come from things not going the way we expected them to.
But what if we stopped labeling everything as good or bad? What if we saw events for what they are and tried to make the best of them, rather than forcing them to fit our expectations?
Things aren’t necessarily good or bad. Things just are.
I’m not saying we shouldn’t feel anything. Of course not. Feelings are natural. I’m saying we should see things for what they are, not worse (or even better) than they are. Already seeing things as they are and not worst than they are can be a game changer. Once we know what we have in front us, we can do something with what we see. We can act in a way that brings us closer to whatever dream we’re chasing.
I know what you’re thinking.
“What if your child died? Would you be in love with fate even then?”
I hear you. Of course that’s not a scenario I would like to find myself in.
If that’s the case, I bet I would grief and cry every day for the rest of my life. And yet, I also know that at one point I’ll have to accept it as is, that some things happen. And that there is nothing I can do to change things. I could (and, I strongly believe, I would) find something in that loss that could give me the strength and purpose to continue with renewed energy.
It happens to people all around the world. Why not me? Why not you?
Learning From the Stoics: Marcus Aurelius and Amor Fati
Amor Fati isn’t something new. And if you’re looking at someone that embodied Amor Fati more than anyone else in history, look no further than the Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius.
As Emperor of one of the greatest civilisations at the time, he faced everything life could throw at him, including war, plague, betrayal, and deep personal losses. And yet, through all of it, Marcus didn’t just survive his hardships. He embraced them, fully, and saw them as necessary for his growth.
Marcus ruled the Roman Empire in a time of utter chaos. For most of his reign, he was at war, defending Rome’s borders against barbarian invasions. But if that wasn’t enough, his empire was ravaged by the Antonine Plague, a pandemic that historians believe was what we call now ‘the smallpox’. It wiped out millions. Soldiers, citizens, no one was spared. Marcus lost children, close friends, and trusted advisors to this disease.
And yet, when we look at his writings, we don’t see a bitter, cynical man. We don’t see a ruler weighed down by grief and anger. Instead, we find a man who believed that whatever happened to him was something to be accepted and even welcomed.
How do we know this? The collection of his journals became one of the most important philosophical books of all times, Meditations. In Meditations, Marcus wrote: “A blazing fire makes flame and brightness out of everything that is thrown into it.” This is Amor Fati in action. Whatever life threw at him, he didn’t just endure it. He used it as fuel. He understood that the things we go through, even the painful ones, are what make us stronger, what make us brighter.
When the Antonine Plague hit and decimated not only his Empire, but his own household too, he didn’t shrink from the crisis, he saw it as a test. He saw it as necessary, just like the wars, the betrayals, the deaths around him, they were all things happening for him, to help him grow into the person he was meant to become. He turned adversities into fuel for his character.
Marcus was a ruler, but more than that, he was a student of life. Every challenge he faced, he faced with Amor Fati. He didn’t wish for an easier life. He accepted whatever came his way as a test to pass and become a better version of himself.
The Gods Are Challenging You
Marcus was not the only stoic embracing Amor Fati and seeing the challenges as tests.
The stoics believed that life challenges were trials from the Gods.
That’s how they tested you.
Can you take it? Can you raise up to the challenge?
What if we were to think that each challenge we face is just another trial towards a better future?
It’s a fun thought, and one I like to entertain.
Next time you’re stuck in traffic, try it: ‘Alright, Gods, you’re testing my patience, aren’t you?’
Or when your colleague talks badly about you? ‘Ah, I see, Gods, you’re challenging my ability to remain compassionate and kind even in these difficult situation? I’ll show you what I can do…’
By reframing life’s challenges as divine tests, you can use a little humor and perspective into moments that would otherwise just frustrate you. This mindset turns struggles into opportunities to “prove” your strength, patience, and resilience. It reminds you that life is not about avoiding challenges, but rise up to meet them.
Every challenge is an opportunity to forge your future.
Setbacks Makes Us Stronger
A few years ago, I broke my knee just before summer vacation. I had been waiting so long for it, I was working out a lot and getting in shape, and I had booked a rocky beach holiday where we planned to hike and swim with my family.
Then, one day, my knee broke.
Surgery was the only option. I was looking at two weeks in bed, six weeks on crutches, and months of physiotherapy.
“Why me?” I cried. I was devastated.
For about 2 hours.
Then I asked myself: “If this is happening for me, what can I do with it?”
I couldn’t walk or move, that was out of my control. But I could still control my attitude and my actions. Turns out, there’s quite a lot you can do while laying down.
You can play boardgames with your kids. You can write that book you’ve been putting off.
You can decided to stay in a good mood.
My wife was going to have a tougher time now that I couldn’t help much, so what I could do was trying and remain positive. I tried to be upbeat.
I invited friends over for BBQs, and they took care of the cooking and the cleaning.
And what about the pre-booked holidays?
I transferred the bookings to friends and turned the situation into an opportunity. How?
I spent an idyllic eight days with my parents, something I wouldn’t have done otherwise. My dad was already sick, so we sat under an umbrella on the beach, playing chess and reminiscing about old family vacations.
Was it great that I broke my knee?
Of course not. It still bothers me years later. I still can’t run and I will need a new surgery soon to fix it again. But it taught me patience. It taught me that maybe it wasn’t so bad to be bedridden for a while. And it gave me time with my parents that I’ll treasure forever.
The old farmer said, “Who knows what’s good and what’s bad?”
If we embrace Amor Fati, we welcome and embrace a life full of opportunities.
Why Is It So Hard to Welcome Challenges?
The words we think carry a weight. The stories we tell ourselves about what happens around us carry an even heavier weight.
If I believe (and constantly tell myself) that I’m not a good friend, I will subconsciously do everything in my power to match that expectation.
If I believe (and say so to my friends) that my partner has shortcomings, I’ll only see those flaws when we’re together. Of course, at one point, we’ll grow apart. But what if I choose to see my partner as my greatest love, the person I adore and want to spend the rest of my life with? How would that shift the way I view our relationship?
Remember: it’s not what happens to you that shapes your life. It’s the meaning you give to what happens.
Once again our dear Epictetus comes to the rescue: don’t wish for things to be different, wish for things to be exactly as they came to be.
Amor Fati. Be in Love With Fate.
Seeing Things as They Are, Not Worse Than They Are
It’s not about blind positivity. It’s about seeing things as they are, not worse than they are. Just by looking at what happens for you, instead of to you, you’re already thinking differently than most people.
Amor Fati is about recognizing that life, with all its messiness and unpredictability, is what it is. Good and bad happen to all of us. It’s what we do with what happens that defines us.
And once you adopt this mindset, something incredible happens: you start looking for opportunities that match the new story you’re telling yourself. In this story, every event is something that helps you grow, something that brings you closer to your eudaemonia — the highest version of yourself you’re aiming for.
Eudaemonia is the ideal version of ourselves. It’s the higher self we aspire to become, the vision of the person we’d be if we fully lived out our values, potential, and purpose.
But here’s the key: the goal isn’t necessarily to reach eudaemonia — because by definition, it’s unattainable. It’s a constantly moving target.
And yet, the real magic lies in striving for it. In chasing after it. By aiming for eudaemonia, we push ourselves to grow, improve, and evolve every day.
Getting Closer to Your Higher Self — your eudaemonia
When we’re in love with what happens to us, and when we’re mindful of how we react, we inch closer to eudaemonia. And that’s all there is to it, isn’t it? Just getting a little bit closer, day by day.
I don’t believe we truly know what we’re capable of. As soon as we get closer to our ideal, that vision of eudaemonia moves further ahead. There’s always room to grow. Always room for improvement.
Striving to reach eudaemonia, that’s what makes life the most rewarding adventure.
And when today doesn’t work out, don’t despair. Take it easy. Go to bed early. Wake up earlier than usual tomorrow and start fresh.
Today might be done, but tomorrow is brand new.
Tomorrow is your last chance to make tomorrow count.
Use it to get closer to your higher self, to your eudaemonia.
Amor Fati. Be in love with what happens for you. It’s your guide to living a life full of purpose, growth, and resilience.
My formula for greatness in a human being is Amor Fati: that one wants nothing to be different, not forward, not backward, not in all eternity. Not merely bear what is necessary, still less conceal it — but love it.
- Friedrich Nietzsche
