Control The Controllable
Our main job in life is to recognise what we can control, what we can influence, and what we must let go of. The latter are the majority and learning to see for what they are — and letting them go without anger, frustration, or sadness — is one of the hardest yet most liberating actions we can take.
The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control. Where then do I look for good and evil? Not to uncontrollable externals, but within myself to the choices that are my own . . .
— Epictetus, Discourses, 2.5.4–5
Focus on What You Can Control
What is under your control?
Your actions. Your reactions. How you feel about something or someone. How you spend your time. Your behavior in any given situation. The clothes you wear. Everything you decide to buy, say, or do.
That’s quite a lot when you think about it.
Yet, how often do we find ourselves obsessing over things outside our control? We get angry at the weather, annoyed by someone else’s behavior — sometimes even by people we’ve never met! Why do we do this? What do we gain by feeling frustrated when others act in ways that don’t align with our expectations?
Maybe you’re thinking, “But people piss me off sometimes! The weather today sucked! I was stuck in traffic, and when I took the train instead, it was delayed!”
I hear you. I really do. It’s normal to feel frustrated when these things happen. We’re human, after all.
But to dwell on them? To let our emotions run wild all day because of them? That’s where we start losing control.
Event → Reaction
Everything that happens to us triggers a reaction.
The time that passes between the event and our reaction is where our power lies. It’s in that pause that you decide what kind of life you want to live.
React without thought, and frustration or fear takes over. Our reaction will be driven by emotions.
But if we take a moment, however brief, and ask: ‘What can I control right now?’, your life can change in a heartbeat.
Here’s the difference:
EVENT → REACTION
VS
EVENT → PAUSE → REACTION
How long is that pause?
It depends.
But that pause before reacting is the difference between a life that happens to you and the life you choose to live.
The Power Of The Pause
When you want to change something in your life, the first step is awareness. You need to recognize that there is a moment — a pause — between an event and your reaction to it. Often, we don’t notice this gap. We react immediately, without thinking, driven by subconscious habits and emotions.
You’re driving, and someone cuts you off. Instinct kicks in: you hit the brakes. But what happens next? Most of us start cursing at the driver, getting angry about the traffic, the city, the day, and down we spiral into frustration and a dark day, all because a guy cut you off.
That…Or.
We take a breath. A small pause. Just enough to break the chain.
The length of that pause doesn’t matter as much as the fact that it exists. A tiny moment of mindfulness can change everything. It’s the difference between a life that feels like it’s happening to you and a life you choose.
What if, in that pause, you play a little guessing game?
“Why did that person cut me off?”
Instead of assuming the worst (that he’s an idiot and a jerk), imagine he’s late for a crucial meeting because he first went to visit a sick relative at the hospital. You know, it happened to me once, and so I still think about it.
If that were the case for them too, how does that shift your perspective? Would you feel a little more compassionate?
EVENT → PAUSE → REACTION
This is one example. There are countless more.
The reaction we’re having when our partner gives us a feedback we don’t like. (Was it really that negative?)
The reaction after our children pull a tantrum for something completely unimportant (To us maybe, but have you thought how important is it for them?).
The reaction to a meeting that did not go as we planned in our heads.
That pause before reacting is where we need to focus our energies on.
Questions to Ask During the Pause
What kind of questions can you ask yourself in that pause?
- What is really going on?
- What are the facts, and what am I making up?
- What can I control right now?
- What is outside my control?
- How can I respond in a way that benefits my future self?
- How can I influence this situation? Do I want to?
- Am I acting out of pure emotion, or have I considered the impact of my reaction?
The Great Weather Debate
Let’s talk about something everyone complains about: the weather. Never to our liking, the weather is too hot, too cold, too rainy, too dry, too humid, too windy, too cloudy. We even feel ‘betrayed’ by the weather forecast! Yet, the weather is entirely outside our control.
You see rain. It annoys you. It’s alright.
Accept that feeling. For a moment. Then, take a breath.
Ask yourself: Can I adapt to these conditions? Can I change my clothes, my plans, my mindset? Can I control how I react to this?
Can I change the way I think about it?
Sit with it for a second.
Think about a time recently when you felt particularly annoyed. You lost your cool with someone. Maybe even just yourself. What happened? Did your reaction match the event? How would a longer pause have changed your response?
What could have been different?
Knowing that the pause exists is where it all starts.
This is one of the most important skills to learn because life will always throw challenges your way.
You can’t change that.
Life knows you can take these challenges, there’s no other way about it. But we must learn how to defend ourselves, how to take cover, strategize, and after that pause, react in the best possible way.
You can change that.
A Real-Life Example: A Day of Delays
Let me share a memorable day at work. I had a flight that should have taken 7 hours but turned into 16 (yes, sixteen), thanks to layovers and detours avoiding a war zone.
First challenge: I don’t enjoy long flights. They take time away from my family. They mess with my healthy habits. But did I have a choice? Not really. So, I asked myself, How can I make the best of this time? I decided to write, read, and maybe even catch up on some movies, for once I had time for myself!
Then, a delay happened due to technical issues. I got off the first plane and saw that my second flight had just left.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Deep breath in, Long breath out.
I headed to the service desk to find out the next flight was probably in what, five hours? Twenty. The next flight was in Twenty hours.
‘Well, fuck.’
But what could I do?
Breathe in, breathe out.
Deeeeeep breath in, looong breath out.
My meeting with a client was delayed, but no lives were at stake. And since my day was supposed to be with the client, that meant I had no other appointments.
With a free schedule I took the chance to visit this city I never been before, even if even that was a challenge on itself. The city was in the middle of a desert in the hottest month of the year. Brutally hot. Luckily taxis were dirty cheap: I used them to discover new places. Later, I hit the hotel gym for a rare midday workout. Then, the day kept on getting better as I found a quiet spot in the hotel lobby to read a book.
This was supposed to be a frustrating, wasted day. Instead, it turned into a story worth writing about. What happened?
Event: Massive delay.
Pause.
Reaction: A day of discovery.
Once I understood what I could control and what I couldn’t, I chose the right reaction. The day turned out better than expected.
Controlling the Controllable is Freedom
There is always a pause between an event and its reaction. Freedom is found in that pause. When you focus on what you can control, you create a life aligned with your choices, not just your emotions.
Oh, and about the weather.
A friend once said, ‘You’re not a tree, you don’t like the weather you live in, move’. It might not be an easy choice, but it’s a choice, your choice. What’s not in your control is the weather itself. So if you choose to stay, make sure you know why, and learn to adapt when the weather isn’t ideal.
This is the #1 story in a series dedicated to live better. Follow me to get the next story directly in your inbox.
